If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
