If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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