Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
