Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
