standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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