oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm passing your future prison.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
