We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
