your parents love me but you hate me
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
