Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
NoShamevember. You game?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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