Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
