I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
