Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
