i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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