I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Be still, my beating vagina.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
