Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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