i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
