I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
