I got chris browned last night
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
