Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
