Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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