i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
