I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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