I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
