Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
