Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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