Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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