Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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