My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
