Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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