So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
