Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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