The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
