who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You have to summon your inner elephant
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
