Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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