Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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