Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
