just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
