Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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