I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
