I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
