hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
