and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
