no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
