Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
