I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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