There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
