I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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