I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
