I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
