Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
