he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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