Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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